Life isn’t meant to be easy, it’s meant to be simple. It’s the way we think of the details that gets to us. It’s the reason why work seems less tiring when we aren’t focusing so much on how we’d rather be doing something else, or how uncomfortable our seat is, or how many seconds to a minute to an hour — and how many of those till work’s done.

So I found myself in a coffee shop, thinking, listening to the radio, taking notes. That was one of those moments I’d allow myself to feel that I didn’t care, that I didn’t need to be anywhere. But the truth was that I did care, and that in a couple of hours I needed to speak to a bunch of girls about strength and how to handle problems. That was the irony and beauty of it all. Aside from the added urgency from needing it myself, I was able to relate to the matter a lot more.

I used to pride myself in being a “calculating machine” (creds to an old friend for the term) — how I would consider all sides, all options and all possible effects — but in truth I was just trying to justify what I wanted to do so it seemed “right”, and if I couldn’t pull that off, I could still dwell on my mental essay for future brooding. But no matter how good it felt to be in that self-destructive state, I always knew I’d feel better if I were out of it. It was just hard to take that step, like it was my favorite guilty pleasure (next to dessert). Yes, I liked to complicate my life.

So that’s my advice — when life’s being tough, chances are you’ve got yourself a good opportunity to make a difference or make something of yourself. When it’s being easy, that’s when you need to start thinking. But when it starts being complicated, maybe you need to downplay your take on it a little. And ultimately, no matter how bizzarre it may seem to us, God is for us, not against us. What’s simpler than that?

But on a more character-building note is my second piece of advice for this week. Don’t allow something as valuable as your sanity to depend on a person’s response to you or on a sense of justice people tend to demand when the going gets tough. Because you aren’t always gonna get those, and they aren’t always gonna be what you have in mind. Eventually you’ll realize that the only way to be really good to yourself is not to keep demanding what you want, but to look for something just as good, or maybe even better.

Watched the Gary V concert last night, and I don’t remember ever going to a concert as great. Not for the show, it was a simple stage. Not for the surprises, they were mostly old songs sung by a veteran singer. But maybe that was just it. In the setting of it all, when everyone thought he knew what to expect, I found that the anticipation did nothing to stop my tears from falling in mid-show. And singing, which felt strange to me in most instances, came to me so naturally, so easily.

A couple of surprises I did enjoy though, his performances with his sons Paolo and Gabriel, the latter following in the footsteps of his dad (great moves, seriously) and Paolo — a totally different genre. To all the rakistas out there, the band Salamin (Paolo on vox) is releasing their first next week. Take it from me who came from a line of music teachers, this band is really great. They were the opening act, and even if a lot of people were staring like “WHY IS IT SO LOUD?” to the rest of us it was nothing but great music. Advertisement ends now.

Well anyway, speaking of music. I just had a nice talk with dad, about almost everything relevant to us now. For the most part though, it was about his music, and his passion for it. He always told us, “Kantahan hanggang langit.” It sounds cheesy, but it stands for everything I believe in but forgot about. My dad, whom people have judged — a soldier in a war he has no escape from — was telling me that everything he had was going to leave, except his music, which he offers to the Lord. Last night at the concert, we were reminded that the angels praised God with song, and when I was talking with dad, my heart broke.

He told me he was proud of me, that I should always stay open and willing to listen, not to think I have nothing more to learn. He said that no matter what people said, he didn’t care about them as long as he knew he was in the right. I was reminded that we should accept each other and not try to change each other. And I missed him, even if he was 5 feet away from me. I was talking to a man who had a million bullets in his body, but was still standing, cracking his corny jokes. It’s nobody’s fault, but everyone’s responsibility, and I know it’s not too late.

Music for him was not his greatness, it was his means. And nobody should ever think they’re better than the other because of ideas they made up in their heads. Salamin’s music may be heavy rock, but as Paolo was screaming his lungs out he was saying “Abba Messiah, You are the lion in my dreams.” Music is music. And Gary V never compromised with his.

Ultimately, why do we do what we do? If life were to be lived for its own sake, then all the good memories and all the things we do to make it “meaningful” are for nothing. The things we do are dictated by our view of the world, of ourselves and of life. And that night when I felt tears on my face, I found out why these people could sing like they were driven by more than anything the world has to offer.

Wow I don’t remember when I last wore one of those tag thingies. No seriously, I was a newborn, so I don’t remember. o_o

Welcome to a new segment called “Good News, Bad News” (for lack of a more creative/original title)…yay.

Good news: I don’t have any bone problems, as my X-RAY results revealed. No slipped disk, no “nerve impingement”, in fact things looked pretty normal. Thank God.
Bad news: Not even my double dose of heavy painkillers (ingested and injected) really did much for the pain…I just felt a little loopy. o_O And it still hurts. I just hope the doc was right when she said she expects it to be okay in 3 days. Make that 2.

Good news: Our ministry is so busy. ^_^
Bad news: Our ministry is so busy. @_@

Good news: I’m gonna be a sort of counselor for the youth (highschool and college), I’m really excited about it. It means a lot to me because I was and still am someone who needs help myself. Heheh.
Bad news: They’re pressuring me out of youth and into singles! LOL! And what’s scary is that I think I’m gonna go for it. XD Nuuuuuu!

Good news: I’m gonna be writing for a magazine, first issue will be out on March. My first article is a movie review, but they’re still deciding which movie. And my editor is Newsbreak’s business editor yay~
Bad news: Well…there is none. :P

Me, Jess and Cat are gonna start something (a riot?), some sort of weekly/monthly/wheneverly comic strip. So watch out for it? Or don’t. lol XD Btw, the title I used is so catchy IMO that I’m disappointed in myself for not making some clever allusion to it. Tsk tsk.

Reunion, mom’s side. Basically, (almost) all of Nanay’s children, and their children, and their children. I had forgotten how many kids were in the family till they all came, jumping into the pool and swimming till they were red as tomatoes.

When I come to think of my mom’s family, my head starts to hurt. Well, figuratively at least. Don’t get me wrong, I love them all and they’re great. But the mistakes they’ve made (and also from those in my dad’s side of the family) often manage to make me nervous — if nervous is the right word for it.

Self-fulfilling prophecy — something that comes true mainly because it has been said or thought of. It sounds bizarre and entirely possible all at once. It’s true, when you think of something negative, like how you won’t eat this-and-that so you can lose weight, you might end up eating more of it. That’s because you’re mind could be too fixated on that one thought. Even saying “I won’t do this” requires that you think of whatever it is. And it controls you even more.

But sadly, even knowing this does me no good.

How many almost-mistakes do we have to take for us to be certain that we’ll make good calls when the real thing comes? How do you know it’s the real thing, when moments always catch me believing “this is it”. Yes, I know, we can’t be certain, and we just have to step out in faith, learn from the mistakes. I don’t have to think about this, but I find myself wanting to anyways.

I guess I’m still scared of some things. Of making mistakes so big that I won’t be able to just get on with life without the regrets…

And now, having said all that, I realize that I don’t want to do this to myself. So for the record, if anyone asks, if anyone cares, I’m happy. Still scared (I’m working on it) but it’s alright. Fact is, all things good or bad in life will end one way or another, like they have for me, like they have fore Nanay. I bet when she was watching the kids swim, from the smile on her face, that she wasn’t thinking of the mistakes.

My birthday was great. Thanks to everyone who greeted me, I was so touched, I even got texts from my friends in gradeschool, whom I haven’t seen in years. Well, most don’t even have blogs so they won’t get to read this anyway. But it’s heartwarming to know that so many people cared enough to send even just short messages ^_^

But in all honesty, I just wrote that part because it doesn’t seem right that I leave it out. Don’t get me wrong, it’s all true me being happy and thankful and all. But right at this moment, what I feel is totally different.

Every few years or so, I get to look back and realize how much a few years can change a person. How much one can learn in that time. I get to marvel at my own naiveté—how I would always insist that I’m old and mature enough for everything, and how I always prove myself wrong after those few years. This time however, I know I’m not smart. I’m not assuming that I’m making good calls, or that I know everything I need to know about life, or that everything I feel is real at all. I know I’m just that same little girl, pigtails and all, running around shoving, getting shoved, crying and laughing twenty minutes later.

It’s just hard getting over things here and now, even if I know they probably aren’t real.

Here’s to 20 years past, for all the blessings, which I am truly thankful for. 20 years spent with good friends and family who love me. Here’s to true friends, and to true love. Here’s to many more 20 years to come, and that God-willing, I finally learn from all my mistakes.

For some it’s not a problem of fighting temptation, because sometimes there just is no fight, just yes or no. For others there is a battle, but from the moment the first “shot” is fired, they wave their imaginary white flag and turn themselves in. For others still, there is a grueling war, a debate if you will, similar to the ones in cartoons where the little red man with a pitchfork calls the little white-winged man a wuss. It starts off fine: when we sense the threat, we decide that we are stronger than that. We won’t give in. At that point, it seems like winning isn’t such a difficult thing.

In short, we think we can handle it. We think that when temptation comes, we can talk our way out of it, giving ourselves a quick rundown of all the reasons we shouldn’t give in. Like we can tap on the table till the rhythm hoses it down, or pull together a quick joke about it in our heads. Like a general underestimating the opposing army, we waltz into that battle with our inferior weaponry and our mediocre strategy.

But the truth (syn. fact) is that we’re up against something we can’t conquer by ourselves. Sure, we could win a few skirmishes here and there, but the war would still not be in our favor. Temptation wouldn’t be such a big issue, albeit rarely discussed outright, if it were so easy to overcome. However, I believe, and from my own experience, that overcoming temptation is not difficult. It’s impossible.

I’m not talking about deciding to quit smoking after seeing a picture of blackened lungs. I’m not talking about throwing your drink away after news comes of a close friend getting into a car accident. Those are easy. This is about a single door, one you may very well picture when you close your eyes. On one side of the door is you, your back to it, determined to keep it shut. On the other side is that struggle, knocking in a steady, constant beat. It’s loud, and it’s just a turn of the doorknob away. And all that is in your mind is how to make it stop. Suddenly, opening the door doesn’t seem too hard, even if you know it will cost you the battle.

Victory here starts when we acknowledge that we can’t handle it. Not on our own. In this type of war, you don’t want to be brave, you want to be a coward. You don’t want to stand up against that door feeling every knock until it breaks you (and you know it will), you want to run away, you want to run to the One you know can win the war for you. The battle is the Lord’s. Cry out. Call for reinforcements. When you hear that knocking, ask Him to open the door for you. All He wants is for us to believe He can do it, and He will. I don’t know about you, but that to me is too good a deal to pass up. I know for a fact that I can’t do it alone, and I’ve had to learn it the hard way many many times. And I don’t even have to come up with a long prayer at that critical point, I just cry out.

But it’s comforting to know that we are never given more than we are capable of. There is always, always a way out.

We think we can handle it, even if time and again we are proved wrong. Ironically, all we have to do after all is admit that we can’t win on our own, and we’ll be given victory. In our weakness, His strength is made perfect. Because we should never have to think we can do it all on our own.Dad’s there to fight for us, we just have to call on Him, and take that escape route.

It’s already been 3 weeks since my last entry? o_O

New layout, but it’s nothing to be excited about since it’s a template. XD Especially recently, the idea of spending time on the layout when I barely have time for the actual entries is just unthinkable. I owe Cat a layout too (SORRY!) she’ll be sending anthrax over any day now. And if you’ll notice, the tagboard isn’t all that nice either, I’m too lazy to fix it, so as long as it works, I’m good. Don’t worry, the real Abby is safe.

What have I been up to? Well, not too much, and a lot. I won’t go over them all since nobody really cares about them and I’m too lazy anyways. So I guess I’ll just start speaking in riddles again, I’ve gotten a lot of practice anyway. O_o

Now, before I start, PLEASE don’t start assuming this is about a guy again. PLEASE rofl.

Anyways, something a friend of mine told me, rather interesting. People talk about how it sucks when someone says “I love you” when it’s obvious in how they said it that they really didn’t feel like saying it. With the tone they used, they might as well have told you to take your shoes off. Normally, it would seem like the person didn’t really mean it. But my friend opened my mind to a new take on this — they could possibly mean it more than someone who ran up to you for a big hug to tell you they love you.

It’s easy to say you love someone when they do something nice for you, when you can really feel them. But what if you can’t? Several years into a marriage or a relationship, when it’s really put to the test, will we still be able to say those words? What does it really mean when we, well…”mean it”? This is can be very misleading, because sometimes it means “As long as you keep being that person I fell in love with, I’ll love you.” It’s as if our love is only a reaction, out of emotion which depends on how the object of our affection acts. Not too stable, I’ve come to realize. Shouldn’t love be stronger than that? If the person were to sit all day buried in work, without saying a word to you for a month, a year, would you still love them? If they kept silent when you were hurt? If they didn’t comfort you when you were sad? If they were distant?

It’s easy to “fall in love” I guess, but real love can never just be an emotion. It’s a decision, it’s a conviction, it’s knowing that they should be loved for who they are, not what they do. It’s “for better and for worse”, it’s loving even when the person is not so lovable at the moment. It’s a commitment. It’s being able to say “I choose to love you, just because.” Even if you don’t feel like saying it. Because the heart and the mind are really not all that far apart, and thank God. I’m sure a lot of you will agree, the heart isn’t all that reliable anyway.

It’s like He asked me, “Will you still love Me, even if I am silent?” And I said yes.